Tuesday, April 18, 2006
A Blog Is Born! A Cause is Blogged!
Several months ago, Our Conservative Leader gave a vote of "thumbs up," or "Not Destroying America," to the movie Brokeback Mountain, which he claimed was going to be a "fine old-fashioned family-friendly movie about two cowboys and their solid red-state values." (I'm paraphrasing because I don't actually have a copy of the show. Like any good cowboy, I consider TiVo hi-falutin'.) When it reached my local theater*, like any obedient Colbertian, I bought my ticket early and was first in line for the show, thrilled at the prospect of finally seeing a Hollywood movie that would appeal to me and other cowboys in good standing.
So imagine my shock when I discovered, barely ten minutes into the film, that this movie was actually about shepherds! I waited for another twenty minutes for some redeeming feature---a walk-on cow, a bar brawl, an imperiled schoolmarm. . . hell, even a vaquero would have been something. But when no such redemption came, and I was subjected to scene after scene of perfectly gratuitous shepherding, I reached the only possible conclusion:
Stephen Colbert was wrong!
To call this traumatic is an understatement. I've lost sleep. I've lost weight. Even the tender ministrations of Miss Heatherbottom, our local badwyhouse doxy, have lost their sweet savor. For if he's wrong about this, what else might he be wrong about? How can I, and others who depend on Colbert's rigid, unreflective assurances of Truth, continue to believe him when he has this blot on his escutcheon? Has he lost his way? Has success made him careless about his gut feelings? Or worse, has he been sent to tempt us to disbelieve, the way Satan did when he put fossils in the earth? With his sharply-cut suits and suspiciously intellectual glasses, could Colbert be . . . it pains me to even suggest this . . . a crypto-Canadian?
The answer must be a loud and thunderous NO!
So this blog calls on Stephen Colbert to rectract, or at least clarify, his earlier statement about Brokeback Mountain, and to withdraw his support from the DVD release of the film, which is in Wal-Marts everywhere threatening to cause even greater shock and disappointment to the real America he claims to have on speed-dial.
And until this happens, I hope this blog will also serve as a meeting-place for other people who feel similarly betrayed and are waiting for His Truthiness to return to the ranch. Membership is open to all kindred souls, with the exception of people who have actually seen the entire movie. After all---if you weren't offended in the first twenty minutes, you're too goddamn tolerant of shepherds, and I don't know what else to say to you.
Protests will be announced soon, along with an organizational meeting once I figure out where everyone lives. Until then. . . . We're waiting, Stephen. You're making cowboys cry.
* It actually didn't come to my local theater, so I had to drive an extra ten miles and see it on Imax (NOT recommended for the sheep-phobic!). Apparently my neighborhood theater had refused to even screen it based on the poster, which just goes to show the kind of anti-cowboy bigotry we're up against in this country. And yet where's OUR rights organization?
I agree Brokeback Mountain was a movie about genital confused sheepherders. But Colbert is confused about cowboys anyway, referring to politicians practicing "cowboy politics."
Eye would join you in your demonstrations but enjoying a little of that snobbish mustard they have in their Rolls is as close to New York City as you will see this cowboy.
(REAL)Cowboy humor at
Bob Kinford for President at
Cowboy's wife artistry at